


Of listen and remember

by mxilkshake



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Inarizaki, Love, M/M, Metaphors, Overthinking, Panic Attacks, Suna Rintarou-centric, Suna deserves, implicit confession, sakuatsu–freeform, scared of future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:13:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27723976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxilkshake/pseuds/mxilkshake
Summary: Suna is the kind of friend who listens. Maybe that's where the problem lies.– Or the character study that nobody asked for but I wrote anyway.TW: Anxiety attacks w/ panic attacks.
Relationships: Miya Osamu & Suna Rintarou, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	Of listen and remember

**Author's Note:**

> so, hey! i'm alex and this is my first work for the haikyuu fandom.
> 
> read the tw's and I recommend that you look at the notes at the end, they can solve your doubts. also, English is not my first language, so feel free to point out any spelling or writing errors and i'll try to fix them.
> 
> enjoy the reading!

Suna is the kind of friend who listens, and that's usually not a problem.  
It may appear that he doesn't, as he rarely look up from his phone screen, his expression changes every leap year (hopefully), and he seems to always be away from there (wherever he is, it's as if an unattainable aura surronds him, a higher astral plane?)

But if you pay attention (and Osamu pays attention), you can notice it in certain behaviors. For example, how his nose wrinkles when the subject displeases him or makes him uncomfortable, the sarcastic comments (really timely, that is, how would he know what to say at all times if he weren't listening?) Or how he perfectly remember conversations from months ago. And not just the significant parts, like when they talked about the vastness of the Hyogo sky or how time fades too quickly sometimes, no. Suna also remembers how Osamu expressed his desire to try that onigiri recipe with yogurt sauce (and sprinkle the sauce on the nori seaweed to make it look like the sky they were both looking at at the time) or Osamu's broken laugh when he asked if he knows what they want to do when they graduate (also remember the answer to his question, a "I don't know" to match with his own).

Suna does not take questions or answers for granted. His quiet silence (when he's not being a big bastard) invites you to talk. And that usually makes a good combination.

Sometimes Osamu wonders if he hasn't spoken more to Suna in the two and a half years he has known him than to Atsumu in his nearly 18 years of life. It doesn't exactly bother him. That is, he does not talk much either, but he knows that Suna is counting on him to liven up the way home, since it is not only that the youngest does not want to talk, but sometimes everything is combined with stress and anxiety and although want to say something, however simple it is, the words do not come out. Osamu understands and respects him. The way Suna hides from everything behind a screen, tired eyes and a sharp tongue. He does it himself sometimes, but with Suna he doesn't need to hide, so sometimes he just rambles while knowing that his best friend listens to him and gives him his full attention. And then something clicks, and Rin's lungs allow air to flow through them without any problem again, and suddenly they find themselves talking about just about anything, calmly and without any need to say more than necessary.

Suna also knows how to give good advice in most situations, and while that's incongruous with the rest of him personality, it shouldn't be a problem.

Suna is, so to speak, socially awkward, but pays an immense amount of attention around him (this totally clashes with his regular desire to withdraw from the world, but let's leave it to him that he can multitask and not always consciously , sometimes the data just pops up in his head and he doesn't recall paying so much attention to the concentration with which Osamu does math problems). The point is, he doesn't really understand how people work either. Sure, he knows perfectly how to provoke and he does consciously store information about other people's weaknesses, but he doesn't quite understand the behavior of most people the rest of the time. In volleyball matches he is capable of manipulating the opponent, getting inside his head, confusing, making his intentions vanish due to the insecurity of not knowing what to do. That's almost a guideline, it's fun. We say that all people are different, unique in their own way, and Suna laughs at how predictable they can be, but his twisted emotional intelligence ends right there.

However, perhaps due to the grace of some higher being or a forest spirit, Suna seems capable of solving any problem (that is not hims). Obviously, he doesn't advise for free and you have to be too desperate for him to offer you help without asking first, but sometimes he does.

Suna doesn't really understand people much, much less their reactions, and not understanding them makes him nervous. Maybe he should try to understand himself first, but he gives good advice anyway, so he can move on for now, and we'll see in the future. We'll see.

The point is that Suna is a brutally sincere person most of the time, fully capable of saying what you need to hear (and not what you want to hear, don't expect him to agree with you if he doesn't think you're right) without even paying attention to how you are going to feel afterwards, and that does not have to be a problem. Taking into account that he does not surround himself with exactly sane people, it is almost a virtue.

Even Atsumu has recognized it, since when he sprained his ankle during training and was almost three weeks without being able to practice and ended up crying with frustration when trying to walk normally (which everyone told him not to do), Suna was the only person capable of helping, telling him, plain and simple, the truth in a direct, almost painful way.

– You will not be able to play volleyball for almost a month, between injury and rehabilitation, and that will not change because you get frustrated, so instead of grunting and crying because this has not turned out the way you wanted, think about what you can do in your state to not lose physical shape and return better than before.  
No, Suna doesn't really have a filter and that can be a problem sometimes. He can only because he's strangely capable of keeping his own thoughts to himself, how to put it, forever. And I just might really some nights try to cry over all those things he doesn't say and never make it.

It can only.

In short, Suna knows how to listen and listen, he leads to long ramblings and you can talk to him, he is the personification of advice I sell and for me I do not have and he is too sincere (with everyone except one person, him).

Now we will give another piece of information.

Oddly enough (not that bad), Suna doesn't hate people.

Does he repel company ? (Except for certain people) Yes.

Is it unpleasant when he meet someone? Of course.

But he finds no pleasure in hating or being rejected by anyone. There are very annoying people in the world, there are people who really wish they could shoot from the top of Tokyo Tower, but feeling murderous tendencies towards certain people does not make them hate them. In the end, he usually reach an implicit agreement that I respect your existence and you respect mine, I will pay you in the same coin, you annoy me and I can be much worse.

Suna doesn't understand people and most people don't understand him. But Suna knows how to listen and pay attention to the people he cares about, so in principle, there is no problem. Until there is.

.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

Suna is the type of friend who listens and this starts to be a problem because he listens and remembers.

And he remembers all the times his best friend said someone was smart or attractive or charming or wonderful (and he could go on with the list of adjectives but morph has never really been his favorite part). The problem (that it shouldn't exist, and if he did it was his fault), it wasn't that he said it, no, it wasn't.

The problem is that Rin listens and saves (treasures?) Every word that Osamu speaks to him. The problem is that Rin detects sincere compliments and perhaps they are strangely numerous (towards someone in particular), more considering the personality of the boy. The problem is, Rin knows the difference between a simple rambling or something you say and don't want anyone to hear, a secret said out loud, meant to be told once and answered with "what?" which in turn will be answered with a "nothing".

The problem is, Rin isn't feeling well lately, and it can, and just might, the migraine has something to do with it, and it's not at all related to him gaze drifting towards a certain person during volleyball practice because she doesn't really understand what's wrong with her. and he would like to understand it, but he cannot.

Because Suna is the type of friend who listens but ends up talking to the nothing because he doesn't know if his problems are worth it.

The problem is that things don't always go the way Rin wants, like on that occasion when Osamu found him crying in the supply warehouse and before he could even say he was okay, he hugged him. And it was nothing to write home about (they hug each other every day), but he loved and hated the feeling in equal parts because his universe did a million cartwheels in a micro-thousandth of a second and was destroyed and rebuilt hundreds of times while Osamu told him that “it was okay not to be okay”. And Rin wanted to laugh because no, it's not okay, but he could only keep quiet, hating the fragility that just came out and terribly scared by the bradycardia that makes his heart relax and feel safe.

And Rin hates feeling safe because that stupid free fall always comes afterwards and he doesn't know if (he doesn't think) he'll be able to take it.

But hey, the point is that Suna gives great advices and that can't even come close to being a problem except when it feels too reflected.

And it is that Rin never knows what to answer when Osamu talks about how much he likes that person, for the moment without a name (someone) and asks him with a stoic gesture that hides (not too well, or maybe yes), fear, indecision, expectation (and what is that in the end that is so different to him?) what he would do instead. He knows his best friend expects an honest answer, and he really wants to give it to him, but how do you do it if it exposes your own feelings in a transparent and delicate display case that could be smashed into a thousand pieces by the touch of a white camellia petal (or wild anemone) falling from that dry tree that he refuses to water?

So how Osamu always asks in a low voice, Rin answers in a low voice as well.

"– What?  
– Nothing "

So now we can go on repeating that Suna is brutally honest with everyone (except himself) but has started to keep even more things to himself than before.

And that's definitely a big problem because everything is starting to get enough, a lot, too much and he finds himself on the verge of yelling at Atsumu for just being Atsumu and messing with him a bit, and he knows that the team members there have seen him (Gin, Osamu, Kosaku) be about to explode (why?) Against someone who has not done anything that they do not normally do. And then the feeling returns like a torrent and he is only able to mutter something like "Sorry, idiot" (which is even more confusing, because Suna does not apologize) before practically running away.

And it's not an isolated event, but things remain the same because, well, Suna is still terribly sincere when you need him.

But Rin feels how the actions pile up around him and suffocate him, take him away from oxygen, preventing his union with life and lately he feels that he survives and exists in a body that refuses to collaborate in being happy. Because, I've said it before, Rin hasn't been feeling well lately and seems to be listening less and less.

Suna doesn't hate people, in fact there are people he appreciates, whose company he enjoys (people he loves, a person).

Suna hides behind laziness so as not to speak to anyone today and as the hours pass, he cannot help but think about how the philosophy teacher explained that in laziness (immobility) all sins reside since concupiscible desires opposed (the Plato's black horse, Rin never liked the fable of the winged chariot) to logos. And Suna didn't understand it at the time.

But now Rin thinks he is quite capable of doing it and what he feels is no longer fear, but rather a kind of emptiness. As the day progresses, Rin is very tired, so tired that it stops being an excuse and becomes a real inconvenience. It's the kind of tiredness that doesn't go away. And even though he still feels uninhabited inside, doubts and fear creep back into him with incredible ease, and even though they're only at the door, he can already feel what is coming next.

And how to say it? The spiral catches him and his thoughts fly again and again towards that stranger who is inside his head, who has the same eyes as him and who is the source of all his problems.

Suna has gradually been storing data about the people she meets and he likes to have done so. Remember the music group Kita-san likes the most, who Atsumu likes, Gin's favorite subject, and the four foods that have a chance of becoming Osamu's favorite in some distant future (they both know that probably neither will make it in the end).

But Rin feels him world slowly fade as he lies on him back on bed, and he can feel the most important fragments still there, and he clings to them. He holds tightly to the reason why Shinsuke likes metal, the way Atsumu gazes in wonder at someone a few inches taller than him, Gin's satisfaction at getting a ten in Japanese history, the wrinkle in Osamu's eyes when he sleeps, his expression calm when looking at Rin leaning on his shoulder…

And suddenly Rin needs to get out of familiar memories (because he feels dead) and lands (carelessly) roughly in the last two weeks. He desperately tries to find pleasant moments and fails, and when he begins to feel more nothing than human, he turns to the locked folder in which he keeps everything related to that person.

And he feels that what is stored there disappears when he opens it because he no longer sees anything but a damp curtain (which will surely be his tears). Close your eyes and see how everything returns to its place after a few seconds. He feels warmth inside for the first time in so long.

Everything returns to its place in an explosion whose origin or cause is unknown to Rin, but there it is.

If you think about it correctly, that shadow with his eyes is nothing more than a neural connection, which is reduced to an electrical impulse, but that does not detract from it. If you think about it, he really could have written (what he felt and what he didn't too) instead of bottling it all, but who can blame him for thinking that he himself is the safest place?

So surely, if you stop for a moment to think about it properly, you will discover that this is the kind of thing that Rin forgets (because he has never been able to listen to it and it scares him), over and over again, making the cycle how eternal an anxious, depressed and confused teenager can be.

So now Rin maybe knows why things that normally aren't turn into problems that can drag you deep into the sea of unmourned. But what he don't know is how long he is going to keep it in his head. If in two months, when he graduates (and everyone does) and the memories that are familiar to him become the only happy ones, he will be able to break the cycle alone. Again.

The last days are almost a déjà vu of the firsts and there is nothing to complain about, except for him having forgotten that he still does not know what to do after high school. It is true that he has the whole summer ahead of him, a period of contemplation in which he could organize his ideas, but the immediate future of losing everything he has gained in these three years, rises with hardly any effort among all his worries, belittling them as a he would like to be able to do the rest of the time.

But Suna is the kind of friend who listens, so he tries not to think about any of this when he goes up to the roof (as he has been doing for 3 years at lunchtime) with the same three people (Gin, Atsumu and Osamu).

And of course, there Suna hears Gin talk about the trip he will make with him parents (and wonders what will become of his), Atsumu brag about the Black Jackals offer and, well, Osamu ramble again because he keeps thinking about how to combine the cooking school and a job that allows him to leave his parents' house.

It can and only can, that Suna will mention in a low voice (trying to sound disinterested) something about a letter from EJP that he hasn't opened yet, and it can and only can that Osamu (sitting next to him) is the only one who can hear him and smile.

So well, we return to the familiar feelings when Gin mutters that he has to pick up some things that he has left in his locker throughout the course and Atsumu practically screams that he has to call someone, and then Rin and Osamu are left alone how when they met and the other two boys hadn't yet figured out that they could hang out up there.

The similarity makes him dizzy.

Rin wonders if he should wait for congratulatory messages from Shinsuke, Aran, Akagi, and Oomimi but then remembers that there is supposed to be an after party that last year's graduates will attend and thus, she runs out of excuses to look at her cell phone. .

Beside him (with his back against the wall), Osamu gulps down an onigiri with an expression of pure happiness and Rin would like to be able to be honest right now and tell him that he wishes (sentimentally) for him to always be this happy.

Maybe it's the universe doing him a favor this time, maybe because he feels that Rin has already given him so much, but the glass case is shattered (not into hundreds of pieces, but into thousands of stars) with the touch of the petal of a white camellia, with Osamu's hand encircling his.

"– Stay with me, and I could make you happy. And so I too will be happy "

Suna is the type of friend who knows how to listen, and listens, the type of person with whom you can have conversations, is someone who knows how to give advice and is also extremely sincere, which is not a problem until Rin feels like he is choking and that everything he says or collects is useless in the face of a life, a city, people who move too fast.

The fact is that well, lately Suna has a lot of problems.

And Rin doesn't really know what's going to happen when he goes out into the world, so he's just going to move on like he always has.

But it's not going to be like before, because, well, Osamu is the type of boyfriend who doesn't let your own thoughts and fears get the best of you.

So, with a little help and those people he loves (wants to pull the Tokyo Tower), Rin is going to achieve anything.

Because, as I already said, Suna Rintarō is the type of person who knows how to listen and listens.

And Osamu Miya is the type of person who knows how to fill the silences, and be part of the hundreds of stars that light up someone's worst days.

Fortunately.

**Author's Note:**

> additional notes ;
> 
> – according to the pages I have found that talk about the language of flowers, white camellias symbolize pure love. the wild anemone, on the other hand, speaks of deep aversion. 
> 
> – bradycardia is the counterpart of tachycardia, although both are "caused" by arrhythmia, in bradycardia the heartbeat slows down. 
> 
> – the glass case breaking is the outbreak of Rin's feelings, and the universe helping him is nothing more than him confessing his thoughts out loud.
> 
> – congratulations if you found the sakuatsu winks! 
> 
> – i will probably edit this work in the future.
> 
> – thank’u so much for reading.


End file.
